Survivor Diary: Robin Zee - Now What
I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to be. There was a spark deep within that ached to be released but I carried so much pain and confusion. Muddy waters, like quicksand I realized the more I struggled the more I sank, learning to embrace it all and move on, great but how the hell does one do that when most of the world just didn’t understand. I knew somehow that this is not the way the human race was supposed to be like. I knew there was another side of life but I had no idea how to get there. My past was riddled with lack of direction and everyone who ever gave me directions lead me back to the underworld. Could it be my choosing, ha!
Way back when in the nineties our government in its infinite wisdom (and yes I’m being sarcastic) decided to pay head hunters take Canadian Addicts and ship them off to American treatment centres, as if we couldn’t carry our own and truth is we have wonderful facilities and wonderful professionally trained persons yet we bowed to the United States and I’m sure the mighty dollar was a part of that, I’d assume we, Canada was paid per head that we shipped over the border.
Anyway for me it was October, winter is coming I had hit yet another bottom time spent as a homeless person, crack addicted, junky two bit whore were some of the terms and labels that slapped my face and left me feeling degraded even further. I lived in an underground parking lot, a Mercedes left unlock where I slept in the back seat, inhaled the fumes of the cars coming and going. Stairwells of apartment buildings where I also spent many nights catching few zz’s. Having no home means having no peace of mind, no safe place or space. It’s a lifestyle where one always has to be on guard. I knew other street folks who acted crazy but weren’t but we did so in hopes of keeping ourselves safe, keeping bad people away but if you act crazy for long enough you start to become just that. Anyone who offered a roof over head, or a meal always came with added expectations which were of a sexual nature of course. So it seemed to me that no one would lend a helping hand unless they got something in return and the price was always high. I remember shaking my head, wondering what happened to human kindness. I was sure that G-d never intended such ugliness happening in the world and if G-d was our father He must be very sad and disappointed. I hated life but this is about how life changed and now what.
I knew other street folks who acted crazy but weren’t but we did so in hopes of keeping ourselves safe, keeping bad people away but if you act crazy for long enough you start to become just that. Anyone who offered a roof over head, or a meal always came with added expectations which were of a sexual nature of course. So it seemed to me that no one would lend a helping hand unless they got something in return and the price was always high.
Ok so the first thing was to become drug free, well that suer as hell didn’t solve everything but it was a good start. I viewed my recovery as a full time job. After returning from a thirty-three day stint at Bowling Greens Houston Texas, I got back on a plane and returned to Toronto. My first stop was to go to a meeting. I remember when I was in Texas we watched the movie Nuts with Richard Dreyfus and Barbara Streisand, she was a high paid sex trade worker and had killed one of her clients in the tub, as her sanity was questioned and during the court trial what came flooding out was memories buried so deep of her father sexually abusing her in her nightly baths, the client must have said something and she snapped. I often feared and still do fear snapping as my emotions sometimes get the better of me. Ashamed to say I have lashed out verbally at my daughter and left internal scars as I had loss my grip and she just kept pushing, I begged for her to stop, it was a really bad time and it is my top regret. I’m just so grateful and blessed that she has forgiven me.
Funny thing with scars, they do heal but never go completely away and depending on their depth, you understand yes?
So now what?
The truth is wherever I go there I am, scars and all but life can get better and I look forward to sharing more about that.
